-You're so mature for your age.

How many people have said that to you?
Have you said this to a kid?

It sounds like praise and a compliment.
It is actually a massive red flag for abuse. 

Here are three types of adults who say this to kids:

1. Immature and Avoidant Adults -
   forcing the kid to take on adult responsibilities - especially emotional ones - because the adult wont.
   This parent leans on the kid for support, and flips the roles. It is lack of maturity in the adult, who avoids being accountable and responsible, and makes the kid pay the price. It’s abuse.

2. Predators -
   pedophiles and abusers use this phrase to manipulate. “Mature for their age” is grooming language. It is used to blur lines, minimize the power imbalance, normalize their interest in the kid, create the illusion of consent from someone too young to really understand, and justify harm. 

3. Unaware Adults -
   Maybe you were called mature too. Maybe you thought it was a compliment. Maybe you meant well. If this is you, thank you for reading this with an open mind. You will definitely learn something here. If this is you, and you’re willing to learn - your kid will thank you one day too.

Saying “You are so mature for your age” teaches the kid:

• Being a kid isn’t good enough

• That acting and performing more grown up is the way to get love and approval

• That its better to be helpful than to be honest

• That having needs and feeling big emotions is childish

• That its their job to make adults feel better

And if when the kid does behave like a normal kid, you scold them saying “Why are you being such child?”… Duh… Because they are.

Calling an adult “childish” is fair game when they act immature. It’s shaming to say that to a kid - and deeply confusing for their development.

Truth:
Kids can't be “mature for their age.” 

Real maturity takes time, and comes from lived experience. A kid can be insightful, articulate, emotionally attuned - but that doesn't make them ‘mature’. They are still becoming. They're still soft and need safety and adult protection. 

We are in a time of global awakening to the scale of childhood SA, trafficking, and institutional cover-ups. More and more of us are becoming aware of the subtle, systemic grooming taking place, often with society’s silent permission. “You are so mature for your age” is just one example of how predators hide in plain sight. 

Calling a kid "mature for their age" rewards
trauma responses*.

It praises the kid for things they learned to do to survive.
Like staying quiet, taking care of others, hiding their feelings, performing a role to please or masking to protect themselves.

*A trauma response is a survival strategy - like fawning, overfunctioning, or masking - that a kid develops in unsafe or emotionally neglectful environments.
Not all trauma responses are conscious - many kids (and adults) don’t even know they’re performing, because they are so focused on surviving. 

It puts adult expectations onto a nervous system
still in development.

Kids aren’t built to carry adult burdens. Their brains and bodies are still growing. When we treat them as little adults, we are overloading their capacity and ignoring their real needs.

It can teach them to override their boundaries, making them more vulnerable to predators. If a kid is taught that their value comes from behaving or performing as a grown up, to be easy to manage, not to have needs and that the other persons emotions is their responsibility - they become more vulnerable to being used or hurt later - especially by people who want to take advantage of them.

Better things to say:

"You’re so mature for your age." 

• That is really thoughtful

• What a bright idea

• I see how deeply you feel things

• That’s a beautiful way of thinking

• You ask such good questions that make me think

• I can see how much you care about others

• I love how curious you are

• That’s a really powerful way to say that

• Your sensitivity is a real strength

• I love how you notice so many little details

These affirmations speak to the child’s inner essence without pushing the burden of ‘maturity’ on them.

Complimenting an action (“That was a thoughtful question”) supports growth.
Labeling an identity (“You’re so wise for your age”) creates pressure.

Just like the difference between saying “You’re stupid” vs “That thing you did wasn’t so smart” - one attacks the person, the other speaks to a moment.

Even praise can become a prison when it defines who a child is, rather than reflecting what they did or expressed in that moment.

Kids internalize identity labels - even the shiny ones -and start to believe their worth depends on performing that role.

But when we witness an action, a quality, a question, or a moment of insight - without turning it into a job description - we let them stay fluid, evolving, and free.

That’s the difference between raising a people-pleaser and raising a sovereign human.

If you got told this as a kid:

I’m sorry. You deserved to be a kid, to be held, not “praised” /pressured to grow up and act mature beyond your years. If you feel this compulsion to always be the bigger person, or to be nice to everyone all the time, or you’re a people pleaser, wearing a mask that is exhausting to maintain - I hope reading this has helped you see more clearly, and give you words for the wounds inflicted on you. Its not your job to be the easy one. You don't have perform to make everyone else feel good all the time.

It’s not your job to be your parents therapist. It’s not your role to be their best friend. Especially when you’re still a kid. 

You are not weak for not being able to carry more than what is yours. 

It wasn’t your fault. You were manipulated. That sentence was a lie dressed up as a compliment. I promise you this - your life will improve when you let your ‘little me’ come out to play sometimes. I hope you are safe now.

Taking Accountability:

If reading this left you feeling defensive or feel attacked - ask yourself: why?

If you have just been innocently parroting this -  oops, lets course-correct and improve our use of language.
Remember: We grow when we stop making everything about ourselves, and take responsibility for how our words and actions impact others.

If you have feel like your own abusive or predatory behavior has been exposed, or you feel victimized, please remember: while this was written about you, it wasn’t for you. Feel free to write a comment to justify yourself so we can all see who you are.

Final Note:

If you are a kid, teenager or adult dealing with any of the things I’ve written about here and would like to talk to someone who really gets it - maybe that could be me? 

I work as a mentor to help people reclaim their untamed, wild and authentic parts that got buried or lost under pressure, performance or pain.
I have two spots open for regular and ongoing mentoring. If it feels right, get in touch.
We’ll figure out where we go from here together.
I promise to hear you and see you.
I am on your soul's team.

And - if money is tight - I offer free 40 min 1:1 sessions every Friday. 
👉www.tigressmedicine.com/mentoring

My name is Maya and my superpower is seeing through illusions and using the right words for things.

This is a curse breaker and unraveling of a spell.
Let this be the catalyst for change
and the moment something shifts in you.
Let kids be kids.

This is written from a trauma informed and neurodivergent perspective in support of all those abused by adults.
Whether you are a kid living this right now, a teenager making your way or an adult in the process of unpacking your past experiences and their lasting impact. I write for you. 

Intention: To protect the sacred innocence of children. To expose manipulative language, conditioning and grooming. To empower those who were hurt by it. To re-educate the well-meaning but unaware. And to expose abusers and predators.

I hope parents, caregivers, teachers, therapists, coaches and mentors will find their way here too.